3rd May - Not cut out for this

I swear I should just produce babies then hand them on when they read toddlerhood because I am being such a shit mum to both girls but especially Ashleigh at the moment. I think it mostly relates to her being so freaking stubborn and I swear she has PMS - the MOOD swings! OMG

So... this morning she's been pretty good which is why I want to do this now. I don't want to just post when things are terrible

Some of her behaviour of late has been:

• Destructive - breaks things just for the sake of it
• Aggressive - hits at things when she doesnt get her way
• Moody - can go from fairly happy to screaming tantrum in seconds. Yesterday I rang A while she was having a tantrum because he doesn't get to witness it
• Stubborn - digs her toes in big time if she wants something
• Rude - talking back A LOT

A few things she's done recently have included:
Combing the brand new towels my aunt gave the girls when Stephi was born - they have threads hanging off everywhere that I had to trim last night (her towel is the worst)
Made mud and threw it around the yard.... I had a clothes line FULL of washing that had to be rewashed
Ripped things apart and when I've asked her why "because I want to and its mine"
Constantly snatching things off Gabriella and screaming in her face
Really nasty, scary, aggressive talking and actions

Something else that concerns me is that she's going to be that kid that noone wants their child to be friends with because she's over the top with emotions. She told one of the dads at kindy that she loves him and gave another one a kiss. I'm embarrassed and worried about it. My brother even told my mum that he's concerned about her wanting to cuddle and kiss so much Gawd... now my tears begin

I feel like I'm failing her as a parent but I just don't know where to turn. I've tried talkign to her about things but she basically switches off. I've given her time out and she sits there screaming at me or cracks the shits and constantly demands to know when she can go again. I don't think she's really understanding why she's there even though I follow through with talking about why she's there and try to get her to recognise the behaviour.

The worse her behaviour gets the worse I react to it which results in worse behaviour - we've been on the spiral too long at the moment

Yes, we're all tired and sick but that's no excuse. Something needs to be done and it needs to be done now. I want to speak to her kindy teacher to see what her behaviour is like at kindy. So far there has been no mention of it being an issue but I think I need to approach them and ask outright. It will have to be while A is home so that I can do it in private

She is obviously missing daddy and adores him - she gets upset if I say that I'm going to tell daddy about something - but I can't do much about that other than make sure he spends QUALITY time with her when he's home. I've signed him up for parent help while he's home and might sign him up again later in the term.

I would love to spend one on one time with her but there's just no chance at hte moment. Because she can fend for herself she tends to come last for attention. I've tried letting her stay up a little later than G but often that doesn't work because S is still up and needing attention. G has sort of dropped her day sleep and once again it doesn't always coincide with S sleeping so still no chance of time for just us. I think I'll need to just do something next week with just her while A is here - just make sure I feed and settle S before going off

I really am feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment. I mean, the fact that I'm telling someone OTHER than A is an indicator. I actually spoke with my mum about it last night. For the first time in ages we spent 1.5 hours on the phone chatting and that was probably a third of the conversation. She asked me what my plan of attack was and I told her I had no idea. All I wanted was to get up this mornign and see how things went - we have a birthday party this arvo so made sure Ashleigh was reminded of that and she actually went to sleep well. Pity they were all awake during the night though

So yeah... I need help. I don't like 4.5 years.....

5th May - Ashleigh has a boyfriend!

and its the cutest thing - last week they did drawings for each other to take home!

He's so sweet too. He looks pretty rough but is so cute and caring - he will share his puzzle or book with G during morning settling in time at kindy

Best of all, his mum is lovely, he has a little brother who will be in G's year and his mum parents lots like me

On the weekend we were at another kid's b'day party and I noticed her little one was wearing a cloth bum so I asked what brand it was and we got chatting. I overheard another mum make a comment something like "I just used nappies" and kind of roll her eyes And Andrea had some insider info on the little girl I was concerned about Ashleigh becoming friends with which just reconfirmed my thoughts

Gee... Not sure if I'm more excited about Ashleigh having a boyfriend or me having a new mummy friend! It was just what I needed though and has made me feel much better

Another thing about the party was that it was interesting to see some of the play that Ashleigh was involved in and work out where some of her behaviours are being... encouraged I guess

27th April - croup again

I had to take Gabriella to PMH again last night because of croup....

I'd noticed a slightly barking cough on Saturday night and had in fact not slept too much from about 4am because of hearing her (and also Ashleigh) coughing. I thought I'd see how she went and knew that I could take her to hospital before it got too late.

9.30 last night she was getting distressed so I got her up and we rang Health Direct. After hearing her breathing down the phone line they suggested that she needed to see a doctor within 4 hours.... Thankfully my mum was up for the weekend at my brother's house and they came over to be here for Ashleigh and Stephani so I could just take G in.

Got there about 10.30 or so and got home again about 1.30. SOOOO tired. Got perhaps 3 hours of broken sleep and Gabriella wasn't interested in sleeping today so I have had no rest time. Hopefully I can get them all settled for bed at a reasonable hour tonight cos I have no patience for playing around....

The interesting part was that they're actually conducting a study on croup at the moment so she's a participant of that. They have 3 medications that are used to treat it and are trying to determine if there is any difference so as to standardise treatment around Australia. She got magical mystery medicine and we were able to come home an hour after it was administered. No concern of her being kept in this time - thank goodness

And Stephi thankfully slept until 2am because I have nothing here for her if she needs a feed and I'm not here!

24th April - 6 weeks, nice update

After my brain snap earlier I thought I should post a proper update with nice stuff

Stephani is well and truly smiling now. The most gorgeous big grin but unfortunately so lightening fast that there is no chance of getting photos at the moment. Hopefully soon it will be prolonged and we can get those first beautiful smiling photos

She has started to goo and gah and makes certain noises to get you to look at her

On Tuesday (I think) she rolled for the first time! Front to back and almost instantly after I'd put her down like that. Thinking it was a fluke we put her straight back on her tummy and she did it again so it was most deliberate.

Night sleep is going pretty well but as per my previous post, days are crap! That said, she travelled really well! On the way down we stopped in Bunbury for about 1.5 hours. The big girls had a fabulous play and made new friends at a McD's playground and Stephi got fed and changed etc. She then made it down to just north of Margaret River before getting unsettled again so the last 20 or so mins were a bit ick. On the way back she slept until we basically woke her at Harvey because we stopped to get fuel and didn't want to have to stop again to feed her. By the time we got to the post office she was just waking and then screamed for a feed until we got to the shops (had to pick up new glasses and some groceries before coming home) Had a change there and a quick feed before we raced home for her to have a proper feed. She tends to cluster feed from mid arvo (although today has been one long feed with minimal breaks in between) but most of the time she is sleeping 6+ hours in her first block overnight. The longest she has gone has been 9 hours

We co-slept while at mum's and it went surprisingly well after the first night where A and I basically hung over the sides of the bed! It was pretty cold down there (as always) so I think that helped with her being comfortable to co-sleep. Mind you, she is often in bed with me from her early morning feed at home anyway!

Well... she's awake again so there goes my time (today the computer is just staying on seeing as I cant get anything done while holding her!)

24th April - 6 weeks = screaming

Probably not helped by two teeth making an appearance along her gumline! FARK ME!

Totally screwed up for day sleep as everyone has been cuddling her all bloody day while A was home/we were at mum's

Shouldn't complain becuase she has been sleeping ok at night (8 hours last night)

Can't get anything done during the day because the few minutes she is happy and settled I'm trying to deal with the girls

Told A not to farking insist on holding and carrying her all the time but he doens't see the aftermath

Ok - red in the face and distraught again......

17th April - 5 week update

This will probably end up very disjointed as I can hear Miss G looking for trouble

Stephani
We had our final MW visit on Wednesday which felt really sad. I've been seeing M since I was 16 weeks pregnant so its a long time to have someone in your life and we had built up a great friendship as well as the professional side of it all. She did forget to bring my discharge paperwork though so we'll catch up at some time. She does live locally as well so we might even bump into each other. She's also told me to let her know when we're ready for number 4

Anyway, Stephani was weighed and measured..... She was 5.2kg and 57cm meaning that she has gained over 1kg and grown 7cm since birth. Not a bad effort in 5 weeks! She is such a gorgeous chubby little thing and mostly quite content (although don't try holding out when she wants feeding!)

She is pretty much anti day sleep unless she falls asleep feeding and gets to stay in my arms. Almost as soon as I put her down she is awake again. The swing has been a godsend for this as at least she is still moving in it and she is mostly content in there (unless of course she decides she is hungry again) I never intended to buy a baby swing but there was no way I could do things with the other two girls and be constantly carrying Stephi. Apart from anything else, she is too heavy to hold for that long! The timing to buy it was perfect too - Target had it on sale (25% off) and we also had a voucher from the Bounty Bag. I deliberately went for a small, portable one as I figured it would be a good thing to take along with us to mum's and I didn't want something taking up a huge amount of space considering how little space we have here anyway!

Night sleep is a bit up and down. She's had up to 9 hours in a block overnight and then other nights where she's just constantly woken. Last night was a good night - to bed around 8.30 and through until 1.30. I fell asleep feeding her and woke at 3.30 and put her back to her bed where she slept until after the girls came in at 6.30. She's now dozing again in the swing looking like a total pudding

I can't wait for A to see her today and to see how much she has changed. She just doesn't look like a newborn anymore and really hasn't for the last week or so.

She has had a few problems with wind and can be quite unsettled from it but is a champion burper when she gets it happening. More a champion farter though

We're using a mix of cloth and disposables and at the moment mostly disposables. I bought a second box of them and figured that I want to use them before she's far too big! She is over their supposed weight limit but they're still fitting well and mostly working efficiently (although I've had more leaks in disposables than I have had with cloth) We will hopefully use them up in the next few weeks and then I MUST get night nappies working.

Nearly forgot... she has DEFINITELY been smiling. Good Friday she was all smiles and very responsive to us all. The girls were thrilled to get smiles out of her when they chatted with her

Gabriella
Cheekiest little monkey ever. She has perfected the look - I'm not going to do anything but just check out the twinkle in my eye. OH, speaking of twinkle - she sings her own little version of Twinkle Twinkle It is so gorgeous and she does it at random moments

She wasn't 100% over the weekend - again ran a temp and was clingy and sleepy - so managed to pick up a few extra feeds. She is still pretty much a one a day girl but will make the most of any opportunity she gets to sneak in another feed. She has had a few jealous moments with respect to feeding and we've had a few more tandem feeds but its not ideal for me and is rather uncomfortable by way of getting them both in good feeding positions. I much prefer the morning feed where she and I get time alone together (although Ashleigh is often cuddled up in bed too now)

She's still a total dummy addict and was walking around the other day with one in her mouth and two in each hand! At the same time I have started asking her to hand over dummies when she wants to play outside or if we're at someone else's house and she will happily do so. It was quite a shock when she did it no problems the first time at my brother's house. He thought it was something we had been working on when I had actually not done anything until that moment! My goal is to get her to end up only having them for bed, car on long trips and comfort when she needs it - she actually seeks them out when she's had a fall or whatever now

I'm having to use a lot of cunning to try to keep her in her nappies. She has really taken to removing them every chance she gets. I had resorted to training pants over the top but she can now get them off! At night she is going to bed with a bodysuit over the top of her nappy and then her PJs. I've managed to get some more button together PJs from my SIL but need more yet. G hasn't worked out buttons yet but is well on her way! Too clever

Her language skills are amazing. She has been putting words together for a few weeks now and I adore her "thanks.... mum" when I get something for her. The most common words that she puts together include "please" and "thanks" for whatever which is beautiful. I love that she has such lovely manners already

Sleep for her has also been up and down. I've had nights of getting up and down up to 5 times to her and then the last few nights *touch wood* I've not been up to her at all. I'm making sure that I find dummies and put them back in her cot as I go to bed so that she can find them when she wakes. I also have to make sure she has plenty of water in the bottle in her bed as she can drink quite a lot overnight

Ashleigh
Our relationship can be quite volatile. She is working on asserting her dominance a lot at the moment and its not being helped by boredom over the school holidays. We didn't go anywhere over the Easter weekend as she also ran temps etc and she was just AWFUL! So bored and it didnt matter what we did she was rude and obnoxious.

The biggest issue I am having is rude talking and talking back. Unfortunately, I've been too tired to tolerate it at all and after the first few times of speaking with her about it and telling her how it made me feel I've simply resorted to yelling and time out I'm hoping that A and I can work on it while he's home but I'm worried also that he will be too tired to be tolerant.... common theme when he's home after workign such long hours over his time at work.

At the same time she is amazing. She is such a wonderful big sister for the most part. Last night when my aunt was here I had their dinner all ready to go and asked Ashleigh to get it and put it on the table for them (I'd left it to cool) She got each of their bowls and carefully carried it through then helped Gabriella get into her seat, opened her water bottle for her and then the most gorgeous exchange:

A - Here you go Gabi
G - Thanks Ashleigh
A - My pleasure


She's very excited as she's had her first invite to a kindy birthday party. I'm not so excited - its at Hungry Jacks on a Sunday arvo. At the same time she will be devastated if she misses out and everyone else at kindy goes so we'll be going (must RSVP actually)

She has loved kindy this term and was sad to have school holidays but also very ready to have some quiet time. We made up some little bags with a few easter eggs for her teachers and the kids were all sent home with one easter egg. It also happened to be their teachers birthday so they had cake (apparently)!

She is still obsessed with dancing and everything girly. Its not unusual for her to be Princess Ashleigh or Fairy Ashleigh or whatever else. She loves dressing up and has got Gabriella into it as well. So cute when they're playing dress ups together and Ashleigh sorts out shoes, crowns etc for G as well

Me
Tired..... but happy. I do still feel a little bit of sadness that we have another girl but I absolutely adore her as well. The faces she pulls and the noises she makes leave me with a glow around my heart. At the same time I find her periods of being incredibly unsettled quite frustrating as things that worked yesterday won't work today and I feel like a first time mum again. I think a lot of it is me trying to keep her from disturbing the big girls though. If I let her go a little bit she seems to settle quicker and easier. I'm also learning a lot of her cues - which cry means she needs to be burped etc. I don't really recall the other two having such definite cries for things but maybe I'm paying more attention because I need to know more. With them things were less busy and more relaxed

I've had a brilliant recovery and really very few problems at all. I've had one period of feeling teary and that was when dealing with a rather abrupt doctor. I think the intimate and very private experience of Stephani's birth has made all the difference. I feel calmer to some extent but really need to work on my temper

Freaking hopeless

It seems that time has just run away from me and my promise to return to my blog has been overlooked. I just don't get the same amount of time anymore so need to make better use of the time I do have.

I have decided it is time to get back into my blogging. I need an outlet for myself and something to focus on for me. Even though my blog is mostly about the kids its still something I can do for me

Starting tonight I am going to try to get up to date on what's been going on with the girls. This will be a case of copy and paste from various forums that I post on. Hopefully I can get it to all make some sense!